ye olde game show zingers


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Billy thought I could use a giggle.
Q . Paul, what is a good reason for pounding meat?
A. Paul Lynde: Loneliness!
(The audience laughed so long and so hard it took up almost 15 minutes of the show!)

Q. Do female frogs croak?
A. Paul Lynde: If you hold their little heads under water long enough.

Q. If you're going to make a parachute jump, at least how high should you be
A. Charley Weaver: Three days of steady drinking should do it.

Q. True or False, a pea can last as long as 5,000 years...
A. George Gobel: Boy, it sure seems that way sometimes.

Q. You've been having trouble going to sleep. Are you probably a man or a woman?
A. Don Knotts: That's what's been keeping me awake.

Q. According to Cosmopolitan, if you meet a stranger at a party and you think that he is attractive, is it okay to come out and ask him if he's married?
A.. Rose Marie: No wait until morning.

Q. Which of your five senses tends to diminish as you get older?
A. Charley Weaver: My sense of decency..

Q. What are 'Do It,' 'I Can Help,' and 'I Can't Get Enough'?
A. George Gobel: I don't know, but it's coming from the next apartment.

Q. As you grow older, do you tend to gesture more or less with your hands while talking?
A. Rose Marie: You ask me one more growing old question Peter, and I'll give you a gesture you'll never forget.

Q. Paul, why do Hell's Angels wear leather?
A. Paul Lynde: Because chiffon wrinkles too easily.

Q. Charley, you've just decided to grow strawberries. Are you going to get any during the first year?
A. Charley Weaver: Of course not, I'm too busy growing strawberries.

Q. In bowling, what's a perfect score?
A. Rose Marie: Ralph, the pin boy.

Q. During a tornado, are you safer in the bedroom or in the closet?
A. Rose Marie: Unfortunately Peter, I'm always safe in the bedroom.

Q. Can boys join the Camp Fire Girls?
A. Marty Allen: Only after lights out.

Q. When you pat a dog on its head he will wag his tail. What will a goose do?
A. Paul Lynde: Make him bark?

Q. If you were pregnant for two years, what would you give birth to?
A. Paul Lynde: Whatever it is, it would never be afraid of the dark..

Q. According to Ann Landers, is there anything wrong with getting into the habit of kissing a lot of people?
A. Charley Weaver: It got me out of the army.

Q. Back in the old days, when Great Grandpa put horseradish on his head, what was he trying to do?
A. George Gobel: Get it in his mouth.

Q. Who stays pregnant for a longer period of time, your wife or your elephant?
A. Paul Lynde: Who told you about my elephant?

Q. Jackie Gleason recently revealed that he firmly believes in them and has actually seen them on at least two occasions. What are they?
A. Charley Weaver: His feet.

Q. According to Ann Landers, what are two things you should never do in bed?
A. Paul Lynde: Point and laugh
He was right....


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jesus


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It was CLEARLY hardcore gonzo. This is getting idiotic.


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can't help myself


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I keep wondering if this is happening on my home planet.


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beside not being hillary


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There was the part about Trump wanting to be friends with Russia.


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remember when we tried to curb the budgetary corruption?


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Already outrageous registration fees and gasoline taxes and mandatory insurance and bridge tolls and federal money for roads. Not good enough.

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Meanwhile, after ten years of drought and the wettest winter on record and the most spectacular spring any of us can remember, it all went to regrowing enough vegetation to keep burning us down... and we lost a firefighter today.


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take my advice


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Keep the location secret.


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not hardhearted


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Despite all.


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tired of trying to figure it out?


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It's right here in a nutshell.


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not to put too fine a point on it


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But we need room for brains to bust through mindfuckers.


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sam frank's disco


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More hellish than ever, while boasting compassion....

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Marginally less hardhearted in Humboldt....


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this is not the second sphinx i'm talking about


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But... holy shit!


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i think 86 would go for it


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I wish he'd let people see his work.


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try to see it my way


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Just as each of us is made up of more bacteria and fungi cells than human ones, so the earth is likewise. Every volcano feeds the biofilms on which everything alive depends.


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no. really.


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Cui bono? Not them, not us, not any of the countries on earth.


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back in the day


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It wasn't sexual assault.


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conspiracy nut heaven


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But it's just depressing.


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tries the patience


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I am sorry, but I was born on a planet where there were two sphinxes guarding the Giza Plateau, so whatever you think this is, it's not, not, not that.


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