i've known this my whole life

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I remember being vexed about it when Janice died... about how she could have felt so bereft.. so depleted as to go out that way when she had the green, the nature and beauty around her at home, the refueling mechanism of this planet all around her.

It's no wonder to me so many are so suspicious about her death. That was weird. Weird. Weird. She cannot have been out of the chi to handle any kind of pain at 27, peak chi, so either someone sold her death heroin or gave it to her, so to speak.

Anyway. I have been vocal about what's in this study for as long as I can remember. My grandmother told me I was a spoiled brat as we were driving through this place on our way back from our trip to take in the desert attractions.

I was freaking out about its ugliness and the utter abortion of spirit that had to have built it, asking her why on god's green earth would anybody do that? And if there were some viable reason to have done it, which I can't credit, but will give you if you want to invoke capitalism or something equally ridiculous, who would let themselves end up there for life?

I even allowed as how some young people might temporarily need to be there for some job, that having to pay rent for the duration was too much to be expected already but certainly better than BUYING any stick of that crap and being chained to a mortgage in that hellhole. I went on and on and on, raving in my cellular rejection of the place, would sooner have run out of gas than stop there to refuel. I wound it up with the declaration that I would kill myself if circumstances dictated I had to live there.

She thought that meant I'm spoiled. I still think that means I'm not hypnotized away from source so far I lose my bearings on the meaning of having been born. Now, oddly, science is even trying to back me up.

always and any time....