i went to town tonight

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I needed some food. I've been waiting for a week for a life and death phone call, and this is the week when everything not life and death has decided to call me... but I won't let myself leave the proximity to the phone until long after business hours, just in case.

So I've been running off somewhere close where very little nontoxic food is to be found, but it's taking its toll on me. Woke up seeeeeeriously groggy and puffy this morning, and that means too many toxins. So. I bit the bullet and drove clear down to Crescent City where I can get mostly nontoxic food.

I realized all kinds of extremely unhappy thoughts were bouncing off the inside of my skull and I was beginning to get the sort of jerky epileptic feeling, so I slammed it with Zen remembrance and then my head was empty. Not the right kind of empty, not the kind where I can start thinking again except at need, and not the kind that feels peaceful and lets me tune into the recondite truth that saves all sentient beings, but the kind of empty that causes a sort of fizzing feeling in my marrow.

Still, I was on a mission to a cash machine and to Safeway, and I bloody well got on with it. The cash machine gave me my cash, so I can pay the handyman, and also gave me a hint that I'd used my debit card instead of my credit card a couple times on my trip down to Ukiah last week. Shit.

So I got my goddam groceries and again remembered to use Billy's phone number instead of my mother's, which is now my sister's, and the hovering homeless people didn't close in on me... still light enough out they tend not to. And I got back in my car and felt the dread all the way home... passing two trucks northbound 101 loaded with about thirty smooshed up automobiles between them. They did not veer off onto the highway into Oregon. They continued up the coast. There isn't anywhere on the coast that takes that stuff... until you get up to, like, Portland or Astoria.

Either something's wrong on 5 or someone's dumping crumpled cars somewhere crumpled cars do NOT belong... well... maybe a barge is waiting somewhere like Coos Bay... but, whatever, more marrow fizzing and the wrong kind of empty-headedness.

I'm trying to listen to Jordon, but he's so full of anxiety it's pumping mine up. I was looking for a panic attack video for you to make you understand, but they were all too stupid to be borne. So. If you've been good and listening right along, I've added the latest jewel from Jordan to the playlist I'm making of this brilliant stuff for you.

pipe up any time....