i hadn't slept a wink in something like thirty hours

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So I tried hard to hold out just a few more and hope to make it through the night, but, of course, a nap took me. I'm going to try again in a few minutes, but I wanted to tell you that the damage from our credit union crashing and burning is pretty harsh.

On the one hand, it's so weird, it is making everyone nicer to each other, but on the other, this is going to keep hurting. The credit union who took all the California deposit accounts, wouldn't buy the credit card accounts, and is calling in all the business loans. That is going to hurt the living snot out of a lot of people.

The Oregon credit union bought all the Oregon deposit accounts and all the Oregon and California credit card accounts. The Oregon customers aren't going to feel this. The California credit card accounts are dead, and I don't know yet if we are going to be told to pay the full balance on the accounts or if they'll let us pay as usual, but I'm almost willing to bet it will be the former.

In that case, this will be a lean month for me, but and it sucks even harder because I needed that money to get new brakes on my car, but, yeesh. I'm trying not to think of how much pain this will be for people who owe something more like real money on their cards.

We don't know how many lost businesses and jobs this is going to add up to. I got my hair cut today and, since the line is still clear around the block at the bank, borrowed another five dollars from the lady who owns the place. She banks at Chase. She hates it. She's ashamed of it. And maybe if she and others had switched to the credit union they wouldn't have gone belly up... but... how can you blame people who have so much invested in their businesses for trying to play it safe? She is a darling person. She deserves to succeed.

And, I just found out that Carla, the lady at the grocery store who was so sweet and solicitous to me when I was in there, lurching like a drunk woman from a bad loss of equilibrium when the sutures in my neck wouldn't melt—kept bringing me a cart to lean on, asking me if I was going to be able to get my groceries home okay, telling me she'd ask for a break to help me—has had a relapse of her breast cancer. She's very sick.

It's always that I feel the pain for others more than mine. Even if I don't know what's causing it, have no way to be just positing that they must be hurting and scared. It feels like some vital component of the cosmos has been removed. It's a special kind of weak feeling. Nothing exactly hurts. It's worse than that. It makes me want to sleep, but when I fall asleep I wake immediately all the way back up. I can't even tell the difference between getting in bed to sleep and getting in bed to wake up when it's like this... mostly....