...
I dreamed of the death of a man who had carried a torch for me for many decades. I'd known his name in the dream, gone to the strange, fictional, asylum cum underground hospital cum strange religious cult center in San Rafael somewhere near where I was born to ask after him.
Answering in gibberish I could well understand was an exasperated affirmation of his death, the weirdly-smug old acolyte cum doctor who obviously was incapable of plain speech or manners simply melted into the vapor of my having interrupted his carefully cultivated existence... and I left.
Started to drive off, but thought better of it. Re-parked and got out to go to the administration building to get some details. There were Church Lady slash Advanced Karen types there, who could only speak disapprovingly and made sure to tonally communicate that I am completely unwelcome scum to whom no guest status could possibly be accorded by decent people.
Unfazed, I lit a cigarette, which obviously outraged them, and then blew smoke directly in the face of the lead Karen. She showed me some pictures of my late lifelong admirer in his advanced old age and final illness. I could not recognize him.
He was a very old man, almost certainly one of the hundreds of unsuitable suitors who'd plagued my existence half a century back... or maybe the fucking psychopath stalker who'd driven me out of my life down in what we only call "the real world" north to the sacred to me redwood forests.
This time I really drove off, stopped once at a beautiful building with a beautiful music room, before deciding to go back to the asylum parking lot one more time, to make sure the stone tablet I could see from there down a path didn't say something I needed to know. It didn't.
And I was sweating and drooling and snore-snorting so loudly I woke myself up.
All my windows and doors open at 4am, in silence thickly blanketing everything, I realized at that moment nothing hurt. Nothing in my body was tense. I felt perfectly neutrally normal in every aspect — for once — filling with a sort of cosmic gratitude that you might only understand if you'd spent the last nearly a year with your crumpled lumbar spine not just running your life but ruining it.
This video was the first thing I touched when I got to my desk.
I hate it when anyone waxes awe-stricken by the dreaded "quantum physics". I want to slap them. But I have to remind myself that the original findings in the field DID correspond to something baffling, but undeniable.
It has not always been utterly lunatic masturbatory twaddle — math — so exasperating that just thinking about it threatens to throw my spine right back out of whack. No. Once, long ago, they were bothering to do actual science with it... publicly.
Double slit experiments. Schrodinger's Cat. Observation collapsing wave. That stuff.
I can't remember where it veered off into nitwittery so thick no one reasonable could conclude it was anything but purposeful obfuscation of actuality. It might've been string theory. I think it was that. Suddenly everything took a left turn into fantasy land alone, with math and particle acceleration serving as the smoke upon which stupid "scientific" pronouncements have sprung for decades.
I know I've drawn your attention to this fellow before, but you've forgotten, and I might be making the point that helps you truly look forward to waking up in heaven some day. So do listen carefully to this. It's not too long, and these fellows' sort of breathless tones should indicate their insight and sincerity and sense of blissed out awe over getting to KNOW what they've been after their whole lives.
Big as heck.
You MUST get there alone. No one can tell you. We can ONLY point and try our whole lives to be able to be as clear as we can so that you might, even accidentally, suddenly see and KNOW it for yourself.
But yesterday, while trying to settle my dream into my memory banks, my acknowledged state of serenity, the pleasant happenstance of first clicking on this video, planning on posting about it before the day was out, Bully Buttinsky commenced pissing me off SO thoroughly, all that serenity plum evaporated and was replaced by fizzing nerves, high aggravation, grumpiness, and pain, pain, pain. So I put it off to now.
Someone who'd very long held a torch for me died night before last.
pipe up any time....
