...
It's not exactly a phobia. I'm not panicky or fearful. I just have these waves of extreme disinclination to go to the grocery store. It's mostly about groceries in big stores. I can do little corner markets if I really stiffen my resolve, which is usually when I'm well into the obsessing phase of starvation, but the possibility of finding nontoxic and/or nutritious food in those is usually very, very slim... as contrasted with merely very slim in the bigger stores.
AND my usual disinclination to cook for myself increaseth tenfold at such times.
I gotta maybe think of a better word than "disinclination" because that word still makes it sound as though there's some conscious, rather than visceral, aspect to it. I can think like a normal person all I want and it doesn't work. So you should imagine your body just suddenly completely stopped listening to you, even about putting food into it. It wants the food plenty, but it is ignoring your reasonable ideas about how to get the food for it.
You're saying to your body, okay, Einstein, are you suggesting we just down that tin of ground pepper for dinner or maybe hack off some of that table leg? No. That's not it at all. The food is supposed to materialize like in Star Trek. It isn't so unreasonable as to not involve the eating part, but no purchasing and no preparing. Just delicious and nutritious food, plink, right in front of us... now.
You could say it's just laziness or just depression having a quirky outlet, but it feels more like my soul just won't have another nanosecond of this horse shit and demands this world comport with reality.
Yeah, yeah, in this world, reality is you go buy food, cook it and eat it, but in these episodes I've been experiencing intermittently for over thirty years now, that simply, completely, utterly, fundamentally, is not so.
always and any time....
