did i tell you the story of the spoiled weiner dog?

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My old neighbors, Elmer and Bobbie, the ones who kept trading heart attacks, and Bobbie was always scared I was hitting on her husband by gardening barefoot... those neighbors... got themselves a nice, sleek little weiner dog puppy, and were showing her off to everybody.

I hate weiner dogs, but, well, they're dogs and so don't be unkind.

They spoiled the living snot out of that dog. It was ludicrous. Could not even muster the nerve to speak sharply to her, such an "adorable" little dog was she.

One summer during a particularly brutal run of my sleep circus, when I had all my doors and windows open for some air circulation, and had finally dropped off — blacked out — at about 8am, that weiner dog started barking hysterically at maybe 8:05am, and it sounded as though she were doing it from about six inches away from my head. I could hear Elmer speaking with the fat, snaggle-toothed, patronizing moron other neighbor, and that dog did NOT let up.

I lost it. I got up. Threw on my tent sweater and went out and screamed at Elmer to make his dog shut up or I would do it for him.

He wouldn't speak to me ever after that.

So, then, when they were trading heart attacks, rather than board her for a few days, or get me to dog sit while he was visiting his wife in the hospital, he had her put down instead.

I have a reputation for calming maniacal dogs and their owners marvel at the change when they get them back and find their mellowed maniacs acting like well-adjusted dogs, but rarely take my advice for how to keep it up. Didn't faze Elmer. He showed me.

And, Fatso Ted, who spoiled the living snot out of his miniature Schnauzer, the one who always held it on walks so he could go in the hallway, couldn't be bothered to groom him, and his stepson had to take him to the groomer a couple of times to fix it so the poor dog could move around without pain from his fur balls.

I'm sick of screaming about these murderous assholes who think they are so kind, so loving, so gentle, so mother fucking humane....

pipe up any time....