my muddle

[click image]


It is just the very soul of muggy here today. It's been sunny and what I call downright hot, and you might call darn warm, all week and I was already way past fed up with it. I was going to get directly into my car and drive until midnight with my air conditioning on full blast if I woke to an already too uncomfortable home again today. It keeps only getting down to about 70° by dawn, which means I'm unable to keep the house livably cool even for the first few hours of my day... what with the ritual of throwing all the doors and windows open to let out the heat when it's as hot inside as outside and leaving them all open until dawn to let in the very coolest air of the whole day before closing everything up to keep the cool in as long as possible.

So, but today started out with me dreaming the most gorgeous tall-dark-handsome man had just wrapped his arms around me to kiss me like... well... like the god of kissing... only to find myself struggling with my pillows and comforter to come up for air. Shit! Then my disappointment was overtaken by the temperature in here. It was about 72° and then dropped to about 68° before I even could get my coffee happening. I looked out and it was raining! So, cool, I'll just open the front door for a little airflow and call it good. Ahem. It got up to about 74° but stayed raining... lightly... all day, and it's 72° right this very now, with all the doors and windows open... and a dampness pervading. So I'm wondering what will befall me tomorrow.

After a concerted last ditch effort to clear my head getting back with "my Zen" over the last few weeks, finding myself suddenly able to clean my house and myself and deal with the garden again, I'm just not wanting to let myself melt down again. If I can't even get comfortable enough without any clothes on, it just can't continue for too long here. I don't even think it's the area in general, I think it is here, right here in my immediate vicinity that is dragging me down.

I've mentioned it before. I feel everyone around me within about a mile radius, more, but it gets worse as they are closer. Nobody's in my house with me, but they're too close anyway. And they're all existentially terrified; many of them old with serious health conditions that make them worry they aren't going to wake up in the morning; some of them hoping they won't, that it'll be that gentle on them; there's another who lost her husband a couple years ago and does outrageous shit like run around in her bra and panties with the curtains open in the evenings when the farm workers are all out there shooting the shit across the street... that's a major terror spot and don't ask me what that show is about... probably desperation... wanting a man to move in, even if he can't speak English. Then the thick smog of Hispanic gringo hatred that just sits there, off a few hundred yards... and the agony of the hunger striking prisoners down in Pelican Bay. The darling lady who worked at the grocery store, then at the prison, and now is probably really dying this time of the breast cancer that almost got her eight years ago.

I keep breaking it up, forcing the oppressive spirit to lift, being a wind machine on a fog bank, but it keeps rolling back in. I can't ever stop attending to my wind machine, not even to sleep, or the weight of it settles back down over everything.

I should not be here. It's a battle 24/7/365 and so things like it being too hot in my house for days on end really, really begin to take their toll. It could be that I could live just a couple miles off and be fine, but I'm not a couple miles off. I'm here. And there's fuck all I can reasonably do about it. So the Zen is mandatory to restock my vitality... and it seems to be the only thing that does. There just aren't any nutritional supplements that cover this. There is no pill for it.


So, anyway, I was listening to the guy I used to have as "zen with space aliens" on his Super Woo Radio thing earlier this evening. He was talking with some woman whose voice was trying to drive me up a wall. He drives me up a wall with his incessant syrupy pleasantries, the thickness of his New Age goo. He should call that show "Super Goo Radio". Yech. Ptooey. I mean, I have to admire the fuck out of its incessance! He is the incarnation of patience and profusely-floral verbiage... which is definitely laudable from one angle, but it serves as the barrier between him and actuality. If you want to get real with him, you will have to wade through acres of densely-packed petunias in a vast pool of syrup... and you probably aren't even fast enough at syrup wading to beat him laying down more acres of daffodils in your path. You probably can't get there from here.

I wanted to link this conversation, because for all the fault I find he's still got some very good things to say betimes, and I wanted to talk to you about how all the intricacies of expression between George and this high-pitched lunatic amazingly seemed suddenly to have found a flash of intersection with actual dharma. Amazing. I thought I actually found a way in, a way to understand all this jargon about light beings and the sundry forms of space aliens. But there's no way to link just that interview and, heck, I don't think you could stand all the explaining I'd've had to do anyway. This made me remember that I may have had the same linking problem with his conversation, now on YouTube, with Neil Kramer a while back, which I thought was a darn good listen... or I linked you to it through Neil's site... I can't remember, and it's too hard to check because I took both of them off my label cloud a while ago.

George was just too relentlessly woo to keep trying to discuss with you where his unutterably-outlandish story, that he never stops uttering to death, does in many ways near dharma. It was just going to be too labyrinthine and so I struck him as a regular topic here. Neil had gone into a long stretch of completely rote blather that was more and more losing its coherence with anything someone serious could reasonably benefit from, but he seems to have gotten his head back together somehow and he's not just droning mystical-sounding stuff into a microphone lately. So he's going to go back as a topic here.

As I recall this was a pretty good talk. I'm going to listen to it again right after I get done trying for the tenth time to endure this other character who has garnered something of a following amid the jonquils and daisies of New Age seekers. I'm not masochistic. I'm still trying to learn how to speak to those people so as to be understood. That's my assignment, and I get a goddam F- in it every mother fucking time.

I'm not giving up.